Hi! I’m Mandy, and I’m a 21 year old wannabe mermaid. Yes, that’s me in the photos above. I first learned about mermaids at the tender age of 2 when my mum introduced me to The Little Mermaid on VHS; both the 1989 movie, and the tv series. Soon after, I became obsessed with the idea of being a mermaid, just like Ariel, or Madison from Splash… I related to Melody in The Little Mermaid 2 on a deeply personal level. To this day, I haven’t changed my mind much. Sure, being on land is okay and all… But here’s a literal list of reasons why being a mermaid is SO MUCH COOLER:
1. You can live wherever you like under the sea, entirely rent/mortgage free.
2. You get to swim around 24/7 – that’s really handy hassle free exercise.
3. You can breathe underwater… That’s a fun perk in itself. It’s like a superpower!
4. Sparkly pearlescent fins. Need I say more?
5. Since you’re always immersed in water, you’re constantly washing your hair – that’s why mermaids always have tv-ad worthy hair-game.
6. … And if your hair gets knotty, no problem – just grab yourself a dinglehopper from the nearest shipwreck!
7. Who needs to bother with makeup or beauty routines under the sea? I hear that salt water and seaweed does wonders for your skin. You could literally wake up fabulous every day.
8. You certainly needn’t waste time with clothes either, they’ll just drag you down… A wardrobe of interchangeable seashells will do nicely.
9. It would, however, be a crime not to accessorise with all the clams, pearls and colourful sea-bed plants you’ll have at hand.
10. I’m assuming you wouldn’t have to pay for them either, you can literally take whatever you like. Ariel did. She hoarded it all in her grotto.
11. You would never have to go to school… Unless you were part of a school of fish *haha fish pun*
12. And in the words of Sebastian, you wouldn’t have to work either; “Up on the shore they work all day, up in the sun they slave away, while WE’RE devotin’ FULL TIME TO FLOATIN’ under the sea“! (I know you just sung that line in your head. Your secret’s safe with me…)
13. Speaking of singing… Having a mesmerising singing voice is obviously part of the mermaid package. You can sing away to your heart’s content!
14. Ladies, you would never have to worry about having THAT awkward time of month… Yes, this does raise a few questions about how little merbabies are made, but I’m guessing that it’s an egg-laying thing… so that equals NO periods, and NO painful childbirth! I assume, at least.
15. You’re surrounded by cute fish all day. Fish make great pets. I’d personally like a pet dolphin. Or perhaps I could tame a pet shark to chomp away at my enemies? Hmm…
16. Do you love seafood? I love seafood, and there’s plenty of that in the ocean. My point being, you ask? FREE FOOD. Everyone likes free food. And if you’re vegetarian, no worries! There’s plenty of seaweed to go around. Seaweed sandwich anyone? (That’s a thing apparently, according to The Little Mermaid 3)
17. You could practice your Fat Amy-style mermaid dancing all day long, and get away with it without people staring at you getting down and wiggling on the floor while making blowing-bubble noises in public. (Psst… I TOTALLY haven’t done that on a night out or two… )
18. Did I mention all of mankind would be crazy in love with you? According to myth, many a sailor would drown after following the beautiful sight and song of a mermaid into a storm… Not that that’s YOUR intention, of course!
19. Having a bad day? If Ursula is anything to go by, there’s always a sea witch in a nearby cove that can solve all of your problems with mer-magic! You might just need to give up your voice as payment though. No biggy.
20. Is there a pesky Wendy-bird bothering you by stealing your man? To scare her away, you could always make a casual joke about drowning her… (But please don’t ACTUALLY drown humans, it’s most certainly frowned upon in modern society and you could be mer-rested for treason… Or something.)
21. There would be no early mornings or late nights; since there’s no sun and moon in the ocean, you can wake up and go to bed any damn time you wish.
22. Lastly, whether you’re a mermaid or mermaid at heart, you don’t have to try and be anything else in life other than your beautiful, magical, glorious mer-self. And that’s why us wannabe mermaids are awesome – we always look on the bright side! Or should that be the mer-side? Either way, we’re spreading the positivity… one glittery fin at a time.
So there you have it, my list of reasons why you should drop everything and become a mermaid! Of course, this entire post is to be taken humorously – don’t literally drop everything in your life, mermaids are technically mythical creatures after all – but there’s no reason why we can’t all dream a little. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m off to the nearest beach to try and spot some real life mermaids perched on the rocks, blissfully combing away at their hair with table forks while lamenting about true love.